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Hypochondriac, I'm Sick of You

Have you ever had a friend that sucked because they were always sick. That friend that when they say they're sick you think to yourself, "yeah, but you always feel like crap so what's the point of missing out on all the fun?" Well, those people are making me sick. They are draining my joy and happiness with their pessimistic ailments. Don't bring me down you know-nothing-cry-baby. If you're not bleeding, vomiting, or dying get over it you're missing out on life.

Maybe if you had a midget in your life you would be so sick all the time!

Generalizations

I don't like to make broad, generalizations about groups of people (which is obvious from my previous posts) but midgets are kind of creepy. Perhaps it's just the idea that they are different than we are. Yes, I truly do feel like that generalization is accurate.

Half Stalls

If you've had the pleasure of reading this blog previously you probably know that it's a very rare occasion that I write something personal. Today, however, I have reason to tell a story from my own personal experience. I had to go to a training for my job. At this training the public restrooms available for well, restrooming, have only half a wall and half a door. Standing about a foot taller than the average woman this is a bit of a vulgar situation. I'm not sure why these restrooms have but half stalls, but I sure don't like them.

Public Education and the Evils Thereof

There are many problems with public education. I know it, you know, and the ridiculous suits who try to create a better way of doing it know it. The problem doesn't lie with teachers or even with the things we ask students to learn. No, the problem starts at home. You see a child who has never been exposed to certain things such as proper English is coming to school several years behind where they're expected to be before even beginning school. Children are expected to have been read to, given attention, learned or at least heard the alphabet. Yet more and more that is not the case for so many students. Is this something that the government can control? Is there some way that parents could once again be responsible to have the integrity to teach their children basic knowledge before sending them to school, short of putting sterilizing chemicals in the water to prevent procreation of the ignorant. Well, we can prevent procreation of the ignorant to a certain degree. If our welfare system didn't so thoroughly encourage the idiots of the world to breed, we could cut down on some of our problems. I suppose the fact that we're heading for socialism under the new regime of anti-American tyrants may also do something to help, but I'll not hold my breath.

Whatever You Do, Don't Do Meth

Recently my sister and I were driving through Colorado, a beautiful state with many wonderful attributes. As we were enjoying the scenery in the under appreciated plains of the state it came to our attention that the highways have been desecrated by "Say No to Meth" billboards. These aren't your typical "This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs" billboards either. These are very descriptive billboards that allude to the horrors of prison, prostitution, and other situations you would never expect to be in, yet that's the path that meth leads you down. It's unfortunate that these billboards distract from the landscape, but I know one thing...I'm sure not going to do meth; although, I had made that decision long, long ago so I don't know if the billboards are actually affective or just really disturbing. I'd like to interview a meth user after they've seen the campaign...are they scared straight, or do they just go back to their lives of prison, prostitution, and street walking? I feel like that question is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen and when it does, I'll be there to watch.

Things That Irritate Me

There are a million and a half things that bother me on a fairly regular basis...some of these things are of very little consequence, but I thought I'd share.

Sweat pants

People who tell endless stories about their nieces/nephews (I am sort of guilty of this...I don't tell that many, but it's still irritating I'm sure)

The Breast Cancer Awareness Campaign

Women who don't embrace their femininity

Obligations that feel like obligations

Other people's pets

Dirty dishes in the sink (I still live with roommates)

Muscle shirts

Being too full

Using the 'f' word as a form of comedy...how funny is it that one can swear?

A lack of manners

Soccer

Obama

The entire continent of Africa and anyone with a bleeding heart for it

Having someone speak condescendingly to you.

Socialism

The idea of insurance

The lack of time machines: I was sure by the year 2000 we would have figured out time travel and I would be having adventures very much like those of Micheal J. Fox in Back to the Future.

Art Deco architecture

Southwestern interiors

Reverse racism

Untweezed eyebrows

Being on the bottom of a dog pile with burly men.

Poorly animated cartoons

John Lennon

Americans who are obsessed with Asian culture

Making Mistakes

Depressing music

Losing my keys or cell phone

If you've made it to the bottom of this list you know how to avoid bothering me!

Stretch Pants: The Unjust Hatred of a Comfortable Fashion

Stretch pants have a reputation for being worn only to Wal-Mart. It's a tragedy that this is the case because stretch pants are one of the most comfortable fashions ever. The real problem is, that like skinny jeans, people who should not wear them do. We've all been walking through the aisles of our favorite discount store and seen coming toward us an over-weight woman with faded lime green stretch pants and camel toe. It's frightening and a gross misuse of not only a color that has the potential to be lovely, but a fashion that could do so much for so many. As of late the stretch pant/legging has returned in full force to public acceptability. It's temporary on the fashion cycle, but I will enjoy it while I can and I encourage you to do the same...go forth in comfort.

Ode to the Crack House...Yet Again!

So, here I sit at 1 o'clock in the morning, and across the vacant lot outside my kitchen window sit two men, BBQing in the backyard of the crack house. It is my suspicion that something is going down tonight!

Ode to the Crack House...A Continuation

The crack house just outside my kitchen window has recently gone through some "home improvements". It would seem that as an effort to clean up the act and become more reputable they've changed a few things...don't get so excited, this is no where near the truth. As a matter of fact, the only change is that they've moved the trampoline southeast slightly to make room for their above ground pool. This pool is falling apart at the seams and I'll be very surprised if they can actually put water in it. My greatest concern, however, is that I would prefer not to see the crack-housers swim in it. Bathing suits will be bad enough, but I can't shake the feeling that a romantic skinny dip is part of the ritualistic goings on that I'm all too privy to! I'll keep you posted as to whether I see any flesh.

Her Boobs Don't Need a Bra...She Bought Her Self-Worth!

Although you may have thought I had died or fallen off the face of the earth, I am in full force and on a soap box. It was quite a climb to get atop this particular issue, but here I stand and look down on those around me...it feels good!

Have you ever found yourself thinking, "I'm not that pretty and I'm not that smart...what, oh what is a girtl to do?" If so, only moments later you probably came to the conclusion that breast implants were the answer to all your slef love issues. Well, I"m here to tell you that you are in fact, an idiot. First of all, you have now taken the afore mentioned thought and screamed it from the roof top: "HEY, I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF". Secondly, you are choosing to put your body through unnecesaary surgery, pain, recooperation time, pain pills that could become addictive...not worth it. Third, have you thought of how incredibly selfish it is to your future children...think about breast feeding, it's an important bonding experience for mother and child. We have enough ADHD, autistic, video game playing freaks without the complications caused by a lack of breast feeding. And finally, is worth paying ridiculous amounts of money for your vanity? Get a $200 haircut, you'll feel jsut as good and you can repeat thsi process without needing an intervention (Michael Jackson, Cher, Raquel Welch). I'm jsut saying.

Alright, I'm decending my soap box to live among the silicone laden skanks of the world and if after reading this you still choose to augment your breasts to look good in a bathing suit, I will indeed be judging you behind your back and in front of your newly perky bosom.

House Guests and the Joys of Roommates

In general I don't use my blog to complain about stuff in my life, in fact most of the non-sense I put on here has nothing to do with the price of potatoes, tonight though, I have a voice that simply must be heard!

There are many things to remember when you are hosting a house guest. Things like they will need a towel when they shower, or breakfast should be readily available, make sure that you have an extra blanket or two within reach in case they get cold in the night. There are 101 ways to be a fabulous host/hostess and I'm sure that if you looked on Martha Stewart's website (which is amazing by the way) you would get an extensive list of do's and don'ts for house guests. However, let's not forget that there are things that you should do as a house guest to in turn show your gratitude to the poor sap who is housing you.
In the South during the hay day of Plantations and wealthy slave owners house guests would stay for weeks at a time. Knowing some of your friends you can simply imagine what a horror story that could be. Well, to solve the problem of over staying ones welcome, the host would ask the kitchen staff to serve the guest a cold shoulder of meat for dinner. That is in fact where the saying "he gave me the could shoulder" comes from.
As is for everything these days, visits are much quicker than that. However, there does come a point when you might just be tired of your house guest. Tonight, that is the case. My roommate has a friend staying with us. The difference is that my roommate has abandoned said house guest into my care and I have recently found out (as of an hour and a half ago) that this house guest intends to stay yet another night. This house guest was supposed to stay with someone else, but had to stay with us last minute...when your plans are changed last minute and you must impose upon someone else, don't stay for three nights!

Ode to the Crack House

So, I live in a lovely newish town house in downtown Houston. To the north is a credible business, to the west are more, newer town homes, to the south older houses, and to the east a crack house. When I look out my large and uncovered kitchen window I see a mustard yellow house that is boarded up, there is an empty lot in front of it and yet another house that is boarded up, this house is light tan. Just east of these two condemned houses is a small brick house...the Crack House. It's interesting to watch the goings on of this little house because sometimes it would seem that things are normal, and sometimes it would not.

The house is small and built of red bricks. There are bars on all of the windows and doors. In the backyard, where they park their no longer working pick up and their everyday car, is a trampoline and several pit bulls. You did in fact read that correctly, several pit bulls. Why would one house need so many rough housing dogs? They sell crack of coarse.

One morning in late November, the police were at the house very early...6 AM early. What would police being doing at some one's home, much less at 6 AM. Domestic violence caused by an argument over a drug deal...it's so simple.

I have no hard evidence to prove my theory, but as I sit hear stealing their unsecured wireless Internet I have to think, that old garage has no car in it...meth lab!

Hockey

I was privileged enough to go to a hockey game last night here in Houston, Texas. Only a few decades ago you would have said to yourself, "How do they even have ice in Houston?" Well, I assure you that we are American and we will indeed find a way to steal Canada's pride and joy...hockey. Actually, I found out last night that hockey is not Canada's national sport, neither is sucking. Their national sport is La Cross, who knew (well, the guy sitting next to me for one.)

Anyway, it is interesting to me that most hockey players look like they should play hockey. You know that I'm almost retarded because I get hit a lot look. It's almost uncanny. I once dated a hockey player, who didn't look like a hockey player. In fact, when he told me that he had played hockey, I thought he was lying, and my bet is...he was probably no good.

At this point I must admit that I may have offended a vendor that works at the Toyota Center. Luckily, I don't care but it is kind of a funny story. She approached our group of 10ish people (I say 10ish because I don't know the exact number, not because I question whether any of us were actually people) and asked if we would like to buy a Breast Cancer Awareness Hockey Puck. I retorted, "I am opposed to Breast Cancer Awareness, so no thank you." She didn't seem amused and the group I was with required an explanation. If you've read my blog, you know that I was speaking the truth, I am against Breast Cancer Awareness and all the pink ribbon hoopla. However, I had said it to shake things up, not offend her. It's kind of like when the people at Target ask if you'd like to save 10% by opening a Target Credit Card. My reply is always "I'm opposed to saving 10% but thank you." You've got to keep people on their toes, that's all I'm saying!

We had amazing seats, 5th row! Although I will point out that at a hockey game every seat is a good seat because they don't open up the top two sections...you know the sections where you could get a nose bleed from the altitude. We were fortunate because not only were there several fights, but there was a team brawl! Thant's right a TEAM brawl! We love it.

I only stayed for 2 periods. I would like to take this opportunity to say that hockey games last WAY too long. There is no reason for the 3rd period and I think that the NHL and other organizations should really rethink their rules. Anyway, I had a great time!

World Peace

It's that time of year again, when people start thinking more fondly of each other and showing kindness because it's the decent thing to do. It's sad that the Holidays or a beauty pageant have to be upon us to promote World Peace. This is no longer the case. I feel that I have the solution to all of life's problems: BACON! That's right, you heard me a deliciously fatty meat with a savory salty flavor could make your daily life World Peace oriented all year round. Just think for a moment if you were to bring your boss a side of bacon to the office in the morning you're bound to win his/her approval. Perhaps even earn a raise. That neighbor who is constantly crossing the line whether it be a literal property line or a figurative line of something like loud music until all hours of the night. If you took that neighbor bacon, no longer would they irk you just to get under your skin, no they would graciously accept and take a quick break from their Jewish roots to enjoy the pork product that you prepared with care. So, the next time you think someone is being an unforgivable jerk, just order a side of bacon and send it their way!

Oops...My Mouth Got Me Into Trouble Again

That's right, I got in to trouble because of my mouth and for once it wasn't kissing anyone.
In my line of work I have to attend trainings and refresher courses on a regular basis. Today I attended one of these trainings. As the presenter was having us work on little activities, she would also continue talking. At one point she asked a question. I am the type of person who, when asked a question I answer; when someone emails me, I write back; when someone calls me, I answer or call them back when I can. So the question was "Did you all have a good first session this morning?" There were crickets...no response. Then she re-stated the question. Well, I thought to myself, someone better say something before she asks again. So I replied, "I didn't go to the first session, but I'm sure it would have been great if I had."
Later in the session she stopped and apologized for the fact that she was being emotional. She then brought up the fact that she didn't mean to offend me with her negative statement. I'm hear to tell you-it takes more than a coat of paint to win it at Thunder Road. In other words, I wasn't offended and I didn't think her statement was negative. What I did think was that her breaking down and crying in front of our groups was HILARIOUS!

W

I love George W. Bush!

Shake Yo A**

So if you haven't noticed, Halloween has of coarse turn in to a whore fest. Well, I must admit that I have indeed dressed up in a raunchy excuse for walking out the door practically nude. I don't judge those who do. I will say that the guilt factor of my past costumes may be the reason I have been on a "real person" trend. As of late I have dressed up as people I actually know. It's fun and exciting and it gives you a chance to openly mock your friends idiosyncrasies! Just a suggestion if you feel that Halloween and prostitution should not have quite so much in common!

Texas Pride

Texans are known for their pride, but I would venture to say that most people are just as proud of where they are from as Texans are. What is the difference you ask. Well let's just say if you drove an El Camino you wouldn't go bragging to the guy who pulls up next to you in a Porsche, that you have the best car ever. So when people meet Texans, they can't help but keep tight lipped about their good, but not great states.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

As I have recently moved near a railroad track it has occurred to me that we still use trains. What has escaped my knowledge is why. For the love it is 2008, we have telephones that get the Internet. Are trains absolutely necessary. And if they are, why are they so inefficient. It's like train and rail technology stopped with World War II. The only thing that should have stop progressing with World War II is the Great Depression and if you will recall your history, it did!