Why the World Wants to Be Blonde

Facebook Status Updates, What Does It Say About You?

2011-02-09T16:27:00.000-08:00

Hypochondriac, I'm Sick of You

2010-01-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a friend that sucked because they were always sick. That friend that when they say they're sick you think to yourself, "yeah, but you always feel like crap so what's the point of missing out on all the fun?" Well, those people are making me sick. They are draining my joy and happiness with their pessimistic ailments. Don't bring me down you know-nothing-cry-baby. If you're not bleeding, vomiting, or dying get over it you're missing out on life.

Maybe if you had a midget in your life you would be so sick all the time!

Generalizations

2009-10-09T22:26:00.000-07:00

I don't like to make broad, generalizations about groups of people (which is obvious from my previous posts) but midgets are kind of creepy. Perhaps it's just the idea that they are different than we are. Yes, I truly do feel like that generalization is accurate.

Half Stalls

2009-10-09T22:20:00.000-07:00

If you've had the pleasure of reading this blog previously you probably know that it's a very rare occasion that I write something personal. Today, however, I have reason to tell a story from my own personal experience. I had to go to a training for my job. At this training the public restrooms available for well, restrooming, have only half a wall and half a door. Standing about a foot taller than the average woman this is a bit of a vulgar situation. I'm not sure why these restrooms have but half stalls, but I sure don't like them.

Public Education and the Evils Thereof

2009-10-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

There are many problems with public education. I know it, you know, and the ridiculous suits who try to create a better way of doing it know it. The problem doesn't lie with teachers or even with the things we ask students to learn. No, the problem starts at home. You see a child who has never been exposed to certain things such as proper English is coming to school several years behind where they're expected to be before even beginning school. Children are expected to have been read to, given attention, learned or at least heard the alphabet. Yet more and more that is not the case for so many students. Is this something that the government can control? Is there some way that parents could once again be responsible to have the integrity to teach their children basic knowledge before sending them to school, short of putting sterilizing chemicals in the water to prevent procreation of the ignorant. Well, we can prevent procreation of the ignorant to a certain degree. If our welfare system didn't so thoroughly encourage the idiots of the world to breed, we could cut down on some of our problems. I suppose the fact that we're heading for socialism under the new regime of anti-American tyrants may also do something to help, but I'll not hold my breath.

Whatever You Do, Don't Do Meth

2009-07-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

Recently my sister and I were driving through Colorado, a beautiful state with many wonderful attributes. As we were enjoying the scenery in the under appreciated plains of the state it came to our attention that the highways have been desecrated by "Say No to Meth" billboards. These aren't your typical "This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs" billboards either. These are very descriptive billboards that allude to the horrors of prison, prostitution, and other situations you would never expect to be in, yet that's the path that meth leads you down. It's unfortunate that these billboards distract from the landscape, but I know one thing...I'm sure not going to do meth; although, I had made that decision long, long ago so I don't know if the billboards are actually affective or just really disturbing. I'd like to interview a meth user after they've seen the campaign...are they scared straight, or do they just go back to their lives of prison, prostitution, and street walking? I feel like that question is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen and when it does, I'll be there to watch.

Things That Irritate Me

2009-07-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

There are a million and a half things that bother me on a fairly regular basis...some of these things are of very little consequence, but I thought I'd share.

Sweat pants

People who tell endless stories about their nieces/nephews (I am sort of guilty of this...I don't tell that many, but it's still irritating I'm sure)

The Breast Cancer Awareness Campaign

Women who don't embrace their femininity

Obligations that feel like obligations

Other people's pets

Dirty dishes in the sink (I still live with roommates)

Muscle shirts

Being too full

Using the 'f' word as a form of comedy...how funny is it that one can swear?

A lack of manners

Soccer

Obama

The entire continent of Africa and anyone with a bleeding heart for it

Having someone speak condescendingly to you.

Socialism

The idea of insurance

The lack of time machines: I was sure by the year 2000 we would have figured out time travel and I would be having adventures very much like those of Micheal J. Fox in Back to the Future.

Art Deco architecture

Southwestern interiors

Reverse racism

Untweezed eyebrows

Being on the bottom of a dog pile with burly men.

Poorly animated cartoons

John Lennon

Americans who are obsessed with Asian culture

Making Mistakes

Depressing music

Losing my keys or cell phone

If you've made it to the bottom of this list you know how to avoid bothering me!

Stretch Pants: The Unjust Hatred of a Comfortable Fashion

2009-04-25T11:06:00.000-07:00

Stretch pants have a reputation for being worn only to Wal-Mart. It's a tragedy that this is the case because stretch pants are one of the most comfortable fashions ever. The real problem is, that like skinny jeans, people who should not wear them do. We've all been walking through the aisles of our favorite discount store and seen coming toward us an over-weight woman with faded lime green stretch pants and camel toe. It's frightening and a gross misuse of not only a color that has the potential to be lovely, but a fashion that could do so much for so many. As of late the stretch pant/legging has returned in full force to public acceptability. It's temporary on the fashion cycle, but I will enjoy it while I can and I encourage you to do the same...go forth in comfort.

Ode to the Crack House...Yet Again!

2009-04-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

So, here I sit at 1 o'clock in the morning, and across the vacant lot outside my kitchen window sit two men, BBQing in the backyard of the crack house. It is my suspicion that something is going down tonight!

Ode to the Crack House...A Continuation

2009-04-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

The crack house just outside my kitchen window has recently gone through some "home improvements". It would seem that as an effort to clean up the act and become more reputable they've changed a few things...don't get so excited, this is no where near the truth. As a matter of fact, the only change is that they've moved the trampoline southeast slightly to make room for their above ground pool. This pool is falling apart at the seams and I'll be very surprised if they can actually put water in it. My greatest concern, however, is that I would prefer not to see the crack-housers swim in it. Bathing suits will be bad enough, but I can't shake the feeling that a romantic skinny dip is part of the ritualistic goings on that I'm all too privy to! I'll keep you posted as to whether I see any flesh.

Her Boobs Don't Need a Bra...She Bought Her Self-Worth!

2009-04-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

Although you may have thought I had died or fallen off the face of the earth, I am in full force and on a soap box. It was quite a climb to get atop this particular issue, but here I stand and look down on those around me...it feels good!

Have you ever found yourself thinking, "I'm not that pretty and I'm not that smart...what, oh what is a girtl to do?" If so, only moments later you probably came to the conclusion that breast implants were the answer to all your slef love issues. Well, I"m here to tell you that you are in fact, an idiot. First of all, you have now taken the afore mentioned thought and screamed it from the roof top: "HEY, I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF". Secondly, you are choosing to put your body through unnecesaary surgery, pain, recooperation time, pain pills that could become addictive...not worth it. Third, have you thought of how incredibly selfish it is to your future children...think about breast feeding, it's an important bonding experience for mother and child. We have enough ADHD, autistic, video game playing freaks without the complications caused by a lack of breast feeding. And finally, is worth paying ridiculous amounts of money for your vanity? Get a $200 haircut, you'll feel jsut as good and you can repeat thsi process without needing an intervention (Michael Jackson, Cher, Raquel Welch). I'm jsut saying.

Alright, I'm decending my soap box to live among the silicone laden skanks of the world and if after reading this you still choose to augment your breasts to look good in a bathing suit, I will indeed be judging you behind your back and in front of your newly perky bosom.

House Guests and the Joys of Roommates

2009-01-18T16:41:00.000-08:00

In general I don't use my blog to complain about stuff in my life, in fact most of the non-sense I put on here has nothing to do with the price of potatoes, tonight though, I have a voice that simply must be heard!

There are many things to remember when you are hosting a house guest. Things like they will need a towel when they shower, or breakfast should be readily available, make sure that you have an extra blanket or two within reach in case they get cold in the night. There are 101 ways to be a fabulous host/hostess and I'm sure that if you looked on Martha Stewart's website (which is amazing by the way) you would get an extensive list of do's and don'ts for house guests. However, let's not forget that there are things that you should do as a house guest to in turn show your gratitude to the poor sap who is housing you.
In the South during the hay day of Plantations and wealthy slave owners house guests would stay for weeks at a time. Knowing some of your friends you can simply imagine what a horror story that could be. Well, to solve the problem of over staying ones welcome, the host would ask the kitchen staff to serve the guest a cold shoulder of meat for dinner. That is in fact where the saying "he gave me the could shoulder" comes from.
As is for everything these days, visits are much quicker than that. However, there does come a point when you might just be tired of your house guest. Tonight, that is the case. My roommate has a friend staying with us. The difference is that my roommate has abandoned said house guest into my care and I have recently found out (as of an hour and a half ago) that this house guest intends to stay yet another night. This house guest was supposed to stay with someone else, but had to stay with us last minute...when your plans are changed last minute and you must impose upon someone else, don't stay for three nights!

Ode to the Crack House

2009-01-11T07:44:00.000-08:00

So, I live in a lovely newish town house in downtown Houston. To the north is a credible business, to the west are more, newer town homes, to the south older houses, and to the east a crack house. When I look out my large and uncovered kitchen window I see a mustard yellow house that is boarded up, there is an empty lot in front of it and yet another house that is boarded up, this house is light tan. Just east of these two condemned houses is a small brick house...the Crack House. It's interesting to watch the goings on of this little house because sometimes it would seem that things are normal, and sometimes it would not.

The house is small and built of red bricks. There are bars on all of the windows and doors. In the backyard, where they park their no longer working pick up and their everyday car, is a trampoline and several pit bulls. You did in fact read that correctly, several pit bulls. Why would one house need so many rough housing dogs? They sell crack of coarse.

One morning in late November, the police were at the house very early...6 AM early. What would police being doing at some one's home, much less at 6 AM. Domestic violence caused by an argument over a drug deal...it's so simple.

I have no hard evidence to prove my theory, but as I sit hear stealing their unsecured wireless Internet I have to think, that old garage has no car in it...meth lab!

Hockey

2008-12-07T07:20:00.001-08:00

I was privileged enough to go to a hockey game last night here in Houston, Texas. Only a few decades ago you would have said to yourself, "How do they even have ice in Houston?" Well, I assure you that we are American and we will indeed find a way to steal Canada's pride and joy...hockey. Actually, I found out last night that hockey is not Canada's national sport, neither is sucking. Their national sport is La Cross, who knew (well, the guy sitting next to me for one.)

Anyway, it is interesting to me that most hockey players look like they should play hockey. You know that I'm almost retarded because I get hit a lot look. It's almost uncanny. I once dated a hockey player, who didn't look like a hockey player. In fact, when he told me that he had played hockey, I thought he was lying, and my bet is...he was probably no good.

At this point I must admit that I may have offended a vendor that works at the Toyota Center. Luckily, I don't care but it is kind of a funny story. She approached our group of 10ish people (I say 10ish because I don't know the exact number, not because I question whether any of us were actually people) and asked if we would like to buy a Breast Cancer Awareness Hockey Puck. I retorted, "I am opposed to Breast Cancer Awareness, so no thank you." She didn't seem amused and the group I was with required an explanation. If you've read my blog, you know that I was speaking the truth, I am against Breast Cancer Awareness and all the pink ribbon hoopla. However, I had said it to shake things up, not offend her. It's kind of like when the people at Target ask if you'd like to save 10% by opening a Target Credit Card. My reply is always "I'm opposed to saving 10% but thank you." You've got to keep people on their toes, that's all I'm saying!

We had amazing seats, 5th row! Although I will point out that at a hockey game every seat is a good seat because they don't open up the top two sections...you know the sections where you could get a nose bleed from the altitude. We were fortunate because not only were there several fights, but there was a team brawl! Thant's right a TEAM brawl! We love it.

I only stayed for 2 periods. I would like to take this opportunity to say that hockey games last WAY too long. There is no reason for the 3rd period and I think that the NHL and other organizations should really rethink their rules. Anyway, I had a great time!

World Peace

2008-11-24T18:16:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again, when people start thinking more fondly of each other and showing kindness because it's the decent thing to do. It's sad that the Holidays or a beauty pageant have to be upon us to promote World Peace. This is no longer the case. I feel that I have the solution to all of life's problems: BACON! That's right, you heard me a deliciously fatty meat with a savory salty flavor could make your daily life World Peace oriented all year round. Just think for a moment if you were to bring your boss a side of bacon to the office in the morning you're bound to win his/her approval. Perhaps even earn a raise. That neighbor who is constantly crossing the line whether it be a literal property line or a figurative line of something like loud music until all hours of the night. If you took that neighbor bacon, no longer would they irk you just to get under your skin, no they would graciously accept and take a quick break from their Jewish roots to enjoy the pork product that you prepared with care. So, the next time you think someone is being an unforgivable jerk, just order a side of bacon and send it their way!

Oops...My Mouth Got Me Into Trouble Again

2008-11-08T11:43:00.000-08:00

That's right, I got in to trouble because of my mouth and for once it wasn't kissing anyone.
In my line of work I have to attend trainings and refresher courses on a regular basis. Today I attended one of these trainings. As the presenter was having us work on little activities, she would also continue talking. At one point she asked a question. I am the type of person who, when asked a question I answer; when someone emails me, I write back; when someone calls me, I answer or call them back when I can. So the question was "Did you all have a good first session this morning?" There were crickets...no response. Then she re-stated the question. Well, I thought to myself, someone better say something before she asks again. So I replied, "I didn't go to the first session, but I'm sure it would have been great if I had."
Later in the session she stopped and apologized for the fact that she was being emotional. She then brought up the fact that she didn't mean to offend me with her negative statement. I'm hear to tell you-it takes more than a coat of paint to win it at Thunder Road. In other words, I wasn't offended and I didn't think her statement was negative. What I did think was that her breaking down and crying in front of our groups was HILARIOUS!

W

2008-11-04T19:05:00.001-08:00

I love George W. Bush!

Shake Yo A**

2008-11-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

So if you haven't noticed, Halloween has of coarse turn in to a whore fest. Well, I must admit that I have indeed dressed up in a raunchy excuse for walking out the door practically nude. I don't judge those who do. I will say that the guilt factor of my past costumes may be the reason I have been on a "real person" trend. As of late I have dressed up as people I actually know. It's fun and exciting and it gives you a chance to openly mock your friends idiosyncrasies! Just a suggestion if you feel that Halloween and prostitution should not have quite so much in common!

Texas Pride

2008-10-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

Texans are known for their pride, but I would venture to say that most people are just as proud of where they are from as Texans are. What is the difference you ask. Well let's just say if you drove an El Camino you wouldn't go bragging to the guy who pulls up next to you in a Porsche, that you have the best car ever. So when people meet Texans, they can't help but keep tight lipped about their good, but not great states.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

2008-10-18T21:57:00.001-07:00

As I have recently moved near a railroad track it has occurred to me that we still use trains. What has escaped my knowledge is why. For the love it is 2008, we have telephones that get the Internet. Are trains absolutely necessary. And if they are, why are they so inefficient. It's like train and rail technology stopped with World War II. The only thing that should have stop progressing with World War II is the Great Depression and if you will recall your history, it did!

The Powers That Be

2008-10-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

I don't how the rest of the world feels about the upcoming election, but I am very concerned. The American Public has proven time and again that we don't have a whole lot of sense. I'm not sure that people understand the impact that this election is going to have. The only reason I say that is because Obama is still a contender. Are you aware that Obama studied under a man for almost 20 years who preaches against white people? Hello, that isn't a good sign going into things. Not to mention that nothing he says has substance. His voting record has no substance. He has gotten by on his charisma and ability to speak well in front of others. How can you vote for someone if you don't know what they believe in? This is very much the case with Obama. Please do not waste your vote...if you are that seriously against McCain, write in Svetlana Monsoon. I will take care of all midget issues that plague this country as well as making all your wildest dreams come true!

The Five Languages of Love

2008-10-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to listen to a book on CD of The Five Languages of Love yesterday. It was an interesting and informative book. I recommend that everyone listen/read it. Although it is tailored to marriage relationships the information within will be useful in all of your relationships including friendships. I'm still not clear on what language I am but I sort of think Physical Touch and Quality Time.

Atlas Shrugged (Book Review)

2008-09-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

Let me start with the declaration that Ayn Rand is most definitely a philosopher who writes novels and not the contrary.
The purpose of the book is to condemn socialism. Ayn Rand was born in Russia, but lived most of her life in the United States. My assumption is that her parents had strong emotions against what was happening with Russia's government when they immigrated to the U.S. thereby instilling certain ideals in their astute daughter. Despite what may have inspired Ms. Rand's thinking, she was right and gave a very valid thousand page novel to defend her opinions. I must at this point admit that I did not read the novel, but listened to an abridged book on CD.
In the novel Rand has a definite line between good and evil. The bad guys, for lack of a better term, constantly assume someone else will take care of their problems. They very much live under the mantra "You are your brother's keeper." What I found to be interesting about this group of men is that they all seemed to be wealthy-they were a contradiction to their own belief of communal support. To exhibit one of their off-kilter schemes I'll relate an instance from the book: they decided to pass a law prohibiting any new books from being written so as to give old books and lesser known books a fair chance. How can you take pride in achievement if you didn't have to work for it? Furthermore, what are the writers of the world doing while they are not allowed to publish new works? It becomes a waste of talent and causes society to pick up the slack of this non-working portion of the population.
The good guys on the other hand were fighting for free enterprise. One by one the most powerful businessmen in America were vanishing. As it turns out, they were all living in the great state of Colorado in an Atlantis like city. They refuse to live in the destruction that was sure to take hold of America in such socialist conditions, so they created a society of their own.
Eventually, they bad guys have ruined America with their socialist leadership. No one takes pride in their jobs, people become mindless and expect everything to be given to them like caged rats at feeding time. And worst of all everyone expects someone else to fix the problem. Of coarse we find in the end socialism is a terrible idea with horrible repercussions.
Ayn Rand does a wonderful job conveying her ideals. A few things I didn't like include: the rigid nature of her characters. Either they were totally and completely good or totally and completely bad. There was no gray area or internal struggle, which takes out the human quality of characters. I also feel that the love triangle is very predictable and slightly corny. These facts aside, it's an excellent book that truly depicts a very real picture of socialism.

Clod Trompers

2008-09-06T15:42:00.000-07:00

I am very aware that Meg Ryan is America's sweetheart and Julia Roberts has a gorgeously toothy grin, but has no one else notice that they both walk like men? The lack of femininity is mind boggling and unfortunately a sign of greater problems. Young women in this day and age take no pride in their God-given grace and beauty. It's cute and adorable to be clumsy and loud according to Hollywood. And neurotic twits too self-absorbed to notice anyone around them are taking over as heroins in romantic comedies.
As I walked through Target (the Mother Ship) today I couldn't help but notice the trashy clothes that not only teenagers, but adult women were wearing. I'm not necessarily talking about scantily clad women, I mean those that come out in their sweat pants and an old T-shirt.
Ladies, I implore you to acquiesce to your womanhood. Be gentile and divine. Walk with grace and speak with softness. Just because you are a woman of character doesn't mean that you can't be opinionated and listened to. Frankly, a man will listen more readily to a woman who knows how to be a woman rather than a woman trying to be a man.

Going Green

2008-08-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

Going Green is in fact the new Breast Cancer Awareness. This statement may confuse and even anger some of you...well, both of these topics anger me! Let's start with Breast Cancer Awareness, it's older and take a little more heat. The problem I see is that the cause has become so commercialized that it is no longer about researching to find a cure for a life threatening illness, it's about buying everything you can think of from plungers to Kitchen Aides in the only shade of pink that makes me want to vomit. That's right, there is one shade of pink I gag when I see. Further more, if we started promoting prostate cancer research and selling everything under the sun in a tacky shade of blue, there would be a women's rights group ready to protest...what is that, I thought the idea of Women's Rights was to be equal, not belittling.
Moving right along to going green. The environment is important and let's not start littering or anything, but when we start taking Al Gore's "theories" as gospel, we need to stop, take a deep breath, and look at the twisted trail we are spiraling down. I promote buying hybrid cars, but do they all have to be so ugly? I've only seen two models that didn't look like we should drive them over a cliff to end there aesthetic misery. The truth of the matter is, Hollywood tries to be socially minded at times, the result is that the army of mindless drones that follows Hollywood like they're gods and goddesses follow as quickly as they can. Well, much of Hollywood has decided that being environmentally conscience is necessary, thereby turning the Green Movement into the latest trend!

I Like Smoke and Lightening...

2008-08-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

Heavy Metal Thunder! That is in fact my favorite lyric in the song "Born To Be Wild" today, it is quite applicable to my life. Last night I came home from a little jaunt I had taken to St. George, Utah with some family. This was a weeks vacation within my actual vacation. We played hard, stayed up late, and had an incredible time. When I returned home I was worn out and tired of sleeping on an air mattress, though not returning to my own bed, I was excited to be back to my friend's home-where I have resided for the past threeish weeks.
Upon my arrival, my friend informed me that a group of her friends were planning to go out to dinner. As I had not eaten since lunch, I jumped on the chance to join them. I was at this point a little lethargic and quite irritable...not a great combination. At dinner I did my best not to scare the locals. Luckily, big-haired man we will refer to as Christian T. Farmer, was seated next to me. In case you are unaware, I love big hair...I also love the Simpson's which Mr. Farmer was able to discuss with me. As we sat there chatting (with the entire group) Mr. Farmer brought up the fact that he planned to set himself on fire later that evening. I was well aware of this event as my friend Dana had mentioned it in a text message. As soon as I received the text message I had mocked Christian for his ridiculousness and belittled all that would be attending the event, labeling them as LAME. So, as Christian mentioned the pyrotechnics planned for the evening, I listened, questioned, and silently judged. Then however, Christian pulled a fast one on me and asked if I would like to be lit on fire...how could I say no to that. In the following video you will witness the side way view of what transpired from my inability to say "No"! Just for the record, I regret nothing! ENJOY!

I really wasn't much of a dancer.

Please Don't Do That, That's Weird

2008-08-03T00:32:00.001-07:00

This year I had a child (who shall remain nameless) in my class who randomly beeped. This was indeed an attention getting strategy. One day in the middle of my story the student started beeping in slow methodical intervals. I simply looked at the child, addressed the child and said, "_________, please don't do that. That's weird." Never again did this child beep in my class. Moral: Sometimes people need to be told in a kind but firm manner, "Please don't do that. That's weird." Now that I have unleashed this power to the public I simply ask that you use it wisely, and try a third-grade teacher voice as it will come across a little less offensive! Good luck.

The "M" Word

2008-07-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

So my dear friend was watching Oprah the other day and was subjected to possibly the most ridiculous topic of discussion ever: midgets. If you have perused my blog previously you might be asking yourself at this point why I of all people would think midgets are ridiculous...I love midgets. In an obscure way. At any rate, back to Oprah and the issue at hand. As Oprah often does, she was hosting a little television show. On this particular show, the main guests were little people. It is very important that you notice that I say little people at this point, as we are about to learn a little lesson in political correctness. As it turns out, using the term midget is as offensive to little people as the "n" word is to African Americans. Well, that is just silly. Midget is the highest of compliments for a little person. There are far more derogatory terms that I could use. I could call a short person a munchkin or a gnome, that seems worse than midget. More over, dwarf was acceptable to the pygmy that appeared on Oprah. Tom Thumb isn't exactly a compliment. Gulliver's Travels has instituted the term Lilliputian, which seems worse than midget, pixie, or simply calling them a wee shadow of a person. In the thesaurus I found that a synonym for pocket portable people is actually trivial and unimportant. No one wants to be considered unimportant...I really feel that these little people should stick with midget, or possibly munchkin (I'm not really sure which one is the "m" word).

I Can't Spare a Square

2008-07-23T00:17:00.000-07:00

This evening I had the opportunity to attend a little movie known as Mamma Mia. I quite enjoyed the movie. Before going to the movie I went to dinner with my cousins and sister-in-law. At said dinner I was exposed to, and therefore drank, a vast amount of diet coke. Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me knows that my bladder is the size of a pea...thus diet coke is a dangerous combination. Now before you start thinking that I wet my pants, let me stop you: I did not. Back to the movie. Before the movie started I felt compelled to use the restroom for the fourth time since dinner. I didn't want to have to leave during the main event. I politely walked out of the theatre and down to the restroom, where I naturally went into the handicap stall. (I am an American, I love extra space) This was a mistake. I chose a stall with no toilet paper. I could see the TP from the neighboring stall hanging down enough to grab...the problem was that there was someone in that particular stall. You might be thinking, why didn't you just ask her or some TP? Well, I will tell you...I am an avid Seinfeld fan and that episode where Elaine needs TP is all that I could think about. I was fearful of the snotty rejection the phone-sex mistress might slap in my face. I decided to wait her out. This was not an easy chore as I had arrived before her. At last she finished her business and went on. Unfortunately, she had used the long dangling toilet paper, creating yet another obstacle for me to get through. Luckily I have long arms. I reached up under the stall and successfully grabbed the toilet paper. Success!

Skanky Hose

2008-07-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

Every girl wants to wear fishnet hose or some other tawdry pair of pantie-hose that make you feel sexy. If you don't, then I feel that you should reevaluate your womanhood. Just as a side note, I don't think that women evaluate their womanhood enough. We get after men who are too metro or seem effeminate, they have a real stigma in society; yet, there are no repercussions for tomboys, or softball players. What's up with that? At any rate, back to the situation at hand. I would like to encourage every young lady to buy a pair of skanky hose, and wear them proudly. I bought a pair maybe two years ago, wore them to church, and receive what could be the equivalent to a standing ovation in a religious type setting. Not only did young man after young man compliment me, but one of the leaders of my church stopped me, told how much he liked the pantie hose, and then preceded to ask where he could find some for his wife...

Blink (Book Review)

2008-07-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

I've just finished reading a psychology book entitled Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. The basic gist of the book is to explore our unconscious thoughts. Then Gladwell takes it a step further and pits conscience thought against unconscious thought...which one is better? What I found to be most intriguing is that in many cases, including the battle of Chancellorsville during the Civil War, snap judgments are more effective that having tons of data to sift through. There are several examples throughout the book of instances that our thought process and the deciphering of too much information created a skewed view of things. Often time when we are making decisions, we have an instinctive feeling about what we should do; Blink suggests that we should follow that instinct.

While snap judgments are important to us and can serve a very useful purpose, Gladwell also discusses the darker side of "the heat of the moment". I appreciated that Gladwell did not cram a theory down our throats and just expect us to accept it for what he was saying.

I enjoyed reading this book and suggest it to anyone who likes non-fiction. It was a very easy read, with interesting history splash throughout it!

Mystery Show Face-Off

2008-07-14T21:11:00.000-07:00

Growing up I was exposed to just about every mystery show you can think of. Matlock was the order of the day during the summer time; Father Dowling Mysteries was my bedtime story; Jessica Fletcher seems like part of the family; even Columbo made an occasional appearance. My mother and I have tossed around the idea of becoming a Mother-Daughter Crime Fighting Team! My mom is incredibly observant, and with a little training I could be the muscle. The only down fall I really see is that as of yet, we haven't managed to make the acquaintance of any useful sidekicks, like a police officer or someone at the courthouse. I do have a classmate that works for the police department in my home town...perhaps I should start working that angle.

At any rate, it is not my mother and my future that I would like to discuss. Actually, that is about a million miles from my topic this evening. I would like to see the mystery show stars in a final show down of wit, ability, and sheer brute strength. Matlock vs. Father Dowling head to head. Angela Lansbury vs. Tomas Magnum. Simon and Simon vs. Starsky and Hutch. All the greats (excluding Columbo as he has that defective eye, and you can hardly expect a handicap man to be a contender in such a match) going at it in a cage match, winner takes all. Yes, I think it would be a thing of beauty to throw the great minds from our television set into an iron cage and lock the door, refusing to open it until someone was dead or brutally beaten. I'm putting my money on Magnum P.I.

Of Mice and Men

2008-07-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

First of all let me say that this book was far shorter than I had anticipated it to be...I had assumed that it would be rather long considering it was made into a movie; on the contrary, it is only 107 pages and a very quick read at that...this is coming from a very slow reader.

As far as the book, I enjoyed it. The friendship of Lennie and George parallels relationships I've experienced; the devotion and concern for a friend was heart wrenching and very applicable to my life. The tragedy of loss is bad enough, but for George to have been the cause is a difficult concept to bare...though it has to be, it would have been far more difficult to bear if Curley had been given the satisfaction of taking care of Lennie.

Though the story has a sad ending I liked reading it!

Book Reviews

2008-07-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

At the suggestion of a friend I will be submitting an entry every time I finish a book. Let me go ahead and warn you now that once the school year starts my book reading will virtually stop. I might also go a little retro on you and write commentaries about books I've read in the past. We'll see how this goes...if you have any suggestions of books for me please feel free to comment!

The Genius Within

2008-06-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

You may or may not be aware that The Simpson's has been running for only five or so years less than I have been alive...that is a long time in TV years. You may be asking yourself how in the world a cartoon can captivate the world so. Allow me to explain.
Number One: The Simpson's is still a family oriented show. In the days of Friends and Will and Grace it's refreshing that no one is really sleeping around to find their self-worth, but rather exploring wild get rich quick schemes.
Number Two: It's very cleverly written. People tend to underestimate the hilarity that lies within The Simpson's. There are always several dimensions of funny. There is the low-brow, slap-stick funny; there's sophisticated cultural moments that one must be on there toes for; and of coarse there is the oh so in your face political/social statements that remind us that as a society, sometimes we are ridiculous.
Number Three: Every situation that occurs in my life can be compared to an episode of the Simpson's. There is always a well fitting quote to spout off and often a song that can make me chuckle!
All in all what I am saying here is that if you don't like The Simpson's, give them a second chance. They are not the most offensive television program out there and they aren't based around sex and other immoral acts. So think Yellow, think Family, think The Simpson's!

Fan Base

2008-05-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

I think I've lost my fan base. As you may have noticed it's been a little while since I've written anything. And probably even longer since I've written anything worth reading. The truth is sometimes life just throws a very boring couple of months at you in which you wallow in your own self pity and cross your fingers that you don't get a bed sore from laying around. Lucky for me, that is not why I haven't been writing. Mostly it's because school is almost out, but also because I don't have Internet readily available. (Insert gasp here) Please take a deep breath because I'm sure that shocked and horrified you...we (my roommate and I) don't have television either. I think the Internet is really difficult for her to get along without and the TV is difficult for me to get along without, so we have a very tragic life style. Truth, we just don't see all the muck that makes the rest of the world materialistic and shallow! At any rate, this I suppose is a last ditch effort to win my non-existent fans back!

Drunk Men and Home Depot

2008-04-27T08:00:00.001-07:00

To my readers that do not know me personally (in other words if you accidentally stumbled upon this page and don't know how to navigate away, you are stuck reading what I call my insights) I am 6'1". This serves me very well as it tends to get a lot of attention in most situations. One day I was at Home Depot with a couple of friends. They started bickering for the one hundredth time that day (they were roommates trying to make some decisions about their new apartment). This particular attitude had worn thin on my nerves, so I chose to go elsewhere to look around.

A gentleman (I am using the term VERY loosely) approached me and asked me how tall I was, this is something that happens very often so I thought nothing of it and gave my typical response: "How tall do you think I am?" The reason I respond this way is that I have found people don't always believe me when I say 6'1", they always think I am taller. To avoid arguments, I always find out what they perceive me as first. This particular gentleman did say 6'1" so with great enthusiasm I congratulated him on his correctness. At this point I was done with the conversation and began to walk on. My dear little friend, however, was not done. He followed around the corner and continued to talk to me. He told me how pretty I was and that if I were his wife he would take me dancing. At this I smiled and laughed, and tried to continue on my way. Before I knew it, this short man was dancing with me in the aisle at Home Depot, he smelled of alcohol and he continued to lay on the charm. At about this time my friends called my cell phone to tell me that we were leaving...I was most grateful for the interruption! You never know what you'll get at the Home Depot!

Home On The Range

2008-04-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

Well here I am home for the weekend. I love coming home. I am from a small town in Colorado, it surrounded by feed lots on three sides and the wind blows like the dickens (not an English family in the early 1800's blowing as hard as they can). There is just such charm in our one-movie theatre that has exactly two show times, going to the grocery store and knowing everyone you encounter, and of coarse hitting the donut shop with enough people to fill the entire place! Family is just such a fabulous gift...I hope you are enjoying yours or plan to soon!

TGIF

2008-04-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else think that perhaps we should give ourselves more of a break. I come home so wiped out on Friday night, all I want to do is sleep. It's hard to be the ultra charming and seductively alluring sex pot you have all come to know and love, after a long day of entertaining 40 8 and 9 year olds. Further more, I do feel that it's hard to have a clear mind when you're sleepy. Whatever, the less sleep the worse your judgment...I guess that just means more fun.

In Response to Charlton Heston's Death

2008-04-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

I can not claim to be the author of this great work, yet I will not deprive my readers of such genius! This is the work of a dear friend:

"Let my people go, you damn dirty apes! You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands! And can't you see the Soilent Green is people?"

Gun-owners and Jews everywhere mourn the loss of Charlton Heston. Gun-owning Jews are hit particularly hard.

I you're like Me, you recognize the epoch of his career as his defining performance in Wayne's World II. Gordon Street? I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. Long time ago, when I was a young man. Not a day passes that I don't think about her and the promise that I made which I will always keep. That one perfect day on Gordon Street. That's uh, five blocks up, two over.

Rest in peace, Charlton. Michael Moore can't hurt you anymore.

Good Golly Miss Molly And Other Stupid Sayings From the Past

2008-03-31T14:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met one of those people who thinks it's really funny to use old sayings. Or their phrasology is just like your sixty year old grandmother's? I'm here to let you know, it's okay to think these people are annoying, and potentially hate-able, depending on what phrases and how often they use them. I'll be honest it's more of a feminine trait. For some reason girls think it makes them seem more innocent of sweet to use old school phrases. I don't have a problem with this if you can tell that they genuinely use this language because their mother did, but if you can tell they are slipping it in there hoping for a comment, bring on the smack down. So, down with good golly Miss Molly and son of biscuit...I am putting my foot down *NO MORE LAME PHRASOLOGY*

I Love Midgets

2008-03-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's the fact that I'm 6'1" or perhaps it's the fact that I'm insensitive, but I love midgets. There is just something about a person that isn't quite full sized, and yet is full sized! I'm chuckling just thinking about it! It helps that they are easily mockable. Sometimes I like to think about owning a midget farm. Do you suppose I could be strung up for a statement of that kind? I'm pretty sure there's probably a support group for midgets. If there isn't I should start one...let's be honest, it may be the closest thing to a midget farm that I'll ever have!

Anyway, Marvin Gaye says it best in a little song I, and the rest of the free world, like to call "Short People". They've got no reason!

The Volkeswagon Beetle

2008-03-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

Let's be honest, back in the day when the Beetle came out it was a cute hippy car. Today's version, however, has lost some of it's roots. In fact today I think of Beetle's as lesbian pride cars. (Sorry to any of my readers that may own a Bug and are not lesbians). I know it's a brash judgement, but I stand by this statement.
Furthermore, if you ever see a man driving a Bug feel free to deck him, because he needs to have the sense knocked back into him. There you go...that is how I feel. Just be glad I didn't get all racial up in here!

Lasik Eye Surgery

2008-03-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

So I had the brilliant idea of getting lasik eye surgery. Let me just tell you it has in fact enhance my vision. For the two days since surgery it has not, however, enhanced my daily life. In fact, I am not allowed to wear make-up for seven days (that's an entire week for those of you who may be idiot's). This may seem like a ridiculous thing to worry about, but I am a blonde, with blonde eye lashes and without my make-up I like like a ten year old with fine lines and wrinkles! Gross-I almost look like a natural hippy type person, except that I still have very cute hair! I guess after the first seven days I'll let you know the verdict...when I'm made-up and in the correct frame of mind!

The Pressure of a Blog

2008-03-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

I must admit, I don't currently have Internet access in my home. Thus, it is a task to find a time that I can update my blog. I feel there is a certain amount of pressure, despite the fact that I don't actually have any readers, to keep my readers happy.
I think this is also an appropriate time to say, I don't really have very many interesting things to say. As tragic as it is, I admit, I am a know-nothing, know-it all. Just be aware, that I will not let this Blog be my downfall.

Flaky Friends

2008-03-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

I hate flaky friends. We've all got them. The friends that bail every time you plan something. Or don't call when they are supposed to. It's more than irritating to deal with those who can't seem to hold up their end of the bargain...and yet there are some people who we are flaky friends to. That's right, I am a flake...there are times that I don't call certain people, or I'm totally in for a good time until the day of the event and then suddenly, I'm no where to be found. Lame. That's all I have to say.

British Accents

2008-03-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

Isn't it odd that a British accent can make even the ugliest man good looking? You can't deny that you swoon, even if only slightly, for a man with an accent. It's like kryptonite for women...we are powerless against them!

Festivas Miracle

2008-03-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

On a daily basis I experience the phenomenon of Festivas Miracles! Today was no exception. As I thought I had an appointment, I left work early. Learning that the person my appointment was with needed to cancel I debated turning around and going back to work...I opted not to do this. As I approached my apartment complex I thought I would benefit from using the computer and picking up a package I knew was awaiting my arrival. As I walked in both computers were occupied. So, I asked for my package. As it turns out I had three packages! And my roommate was the user of one of the computers, thus I got one of those too! It truly was a Festivas Miracle!

Clutch vs. Purse

2008-03-08T15:33:00.000-08:00

I consider myself to be somewhat of a purse expert! I own 82 purses or clutches and revel in choosing a different hand-bag accessory for each outfit I wear! But, let's get down to the nitty-gritty. Which is better, a purse or a clutch?

There are two factors to consider: where are you going? Are you the transportation? A clutch will always look more trendy and cuter! That is the simple fact, but you have to be willing to carry a purse if you are going somewhere that you will need to take extra stuff with you. A purse is always better for a movie...sneaking in soda and candy is difficult with a tiny little clutch. Ball games also require purses, not so much for the fact of sneaking in treats as it is easier to keep track of a larger bag when you are cheering like a maniac!

Are you the transportation? I have only a handful of clutches that my keys fit into after I have put all of my necessary items in. If you are with someone else and can leave your keys in the car...clutch it up!

All in all, clutch is number one. But, don't discount the beauty of a hand or shoulder bag. Not to be confused with shoulder pads which are never a good idea!

Soap Box Chronicles-Standardized Testing

2008-03-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

Alright folks, here it is, my opinion on standardized testing. As an educator in Texas all I do is test. This is actually the first year since I began my career, three years ago, that I have felt like a teacher and not a test proctor. That is the result of the state passing a law that states the maximum number of days students may be tested per school year.

What a sad commentary on our education system that the state has to pass a law against too much testing. Yes, standardized testing has a place in education and should not be discounted. It shows wonderful information such as student growth, and where a student is compared to other students in their demographic and age group. However, it should not be the only means of evaluating a students progress and most certainly should not be a means of teaching!

Not what you expected from a blonde!

Why I Work With Children

2008-03-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

I would just like to clarify one thing: why I work with children. Though I do consider myself a good person, and a compassionate person, these are not the reason I spend seven hours a day baby-sitting children ages 8 to 11. No, I have many other ways I would rather spend my time. However, the other ways do not include the love and devotion that children show you! My third grade students are always writing me sweet little notes that say how wonderful, beautiful, and perfect I am! Why would I give that up?

One compliment in particular I would like to share with you is what a sweet student of another student said about me. This young lady struggles greatly with her confidence due to being almost as tall as me (6'1") in the third grade, also quite over weight. But, as I was walking to the front of the cafeteria the other day she told another teacher, who later told me, that Phyllis thinks I look like a model. It made me smile.

Oh, how I love compliments!

2008-02-25T07:58:00.001-08:00

So about three years ago I went to New York to visit my friend. It was an amazing trip, I loved the city and enjoyed thoroughly catching up with said friend. I was only there for a long weekend, so had an interesting flight schedule. My return flight left at 6 a.m. Due to the late nature of our daily bed time I decided it would be beneficial to stay up all night...that way I wouldn't over sleep and miss my flight.
Early that morning, the car I'd booked came to pick me up. At the airport I felt like I was the only passenger flying out at this ungodly hour. I approached the security check and placed my things on the conveyor, took off my shoes and began to walk through the gizmo when the attendant mumbled something at me. Well, you should know that I don't have the best hearing, so I had to have him repeat his statement. He asked, "What's your cover?" I was in complete confusion by this point. The thoughts racing through my mind were "Does he think I'm a secret agent?" and "Cover, did I forget my blanket?" Yet, again I asked him to repeat himself this time with a very confused look on my face. He again said, "What's your cover...what magazine are you on?"
Please step back to just a moment ago when you read the part that said I didn't sleep that night. I was flattered. I giggled and told him that I was not a model. You're thinking how much more flattering can this get...well, he didn't believe me. Actually he sort of got irritated-he must have thought I was lying-but I was flattered and went back to Utah with a little smile on my face.

Olive Garden

2008-02-25T07:53:00.000-08:00

The other day my friend and I decided to have dinner at the Olive Garden. As our waiter approached we both knew what we wanted to eat. I order the grilled veggie plate. Don't let that name deceive you...it's actually quite the plate of food. After telling the waiter what my heart desired he stated, "How much do you weigh?" I didn't really know where to go with that so I laughed. He quickly withdrew the question and said, "it's just that usually men order that dish, and you look so small." Obviously he was forgiven, but I thought it was funny. By the way, I finished to whole thing!

Perched Atop Lengthy Limbs

2008-02-24T11:37:00.001-08:00

As a woman who stands 6 feet and 1 inch, most of which is in the lower extremities of my body, I sometimes describe myself as perched atop my lengthy limbs. Today as I was leaving for church I was lamenting the fact that I had not purchased nylons last night. I feel that there are two very important reasons for women to wear nylons: 1. I am unfortunately in the bitter Utah cold this February day. 2. Instead of being perched atop lengthy limbs, I was perched atop pasty stems...yet another side effect of the bitter cold of February. So, ladies I urge you to make the ever-so-easy investment of a pair of nylons.

Big Hair

2008-02-24T11:34:00.000-08:00

I currently live in Texas. Texans often have the reputation for having big hair. We deserve this reputation; we even advertise that "Everything is Bigger in Texas!". It should be noted, however, that our hair is not necessarily big by choice...it's very humid in most parts of Texas, we can't help ourselves. Though I will say that after visiting a drier area of the country (Utah, in fact) I understand why I love big Texas hair...it just looks better!

My Decision to Become a Blogger

2008-02-23T08:32:00.000-08:00

So here's the truth...I'm not a very computer savvy individual. In fact, I currently don't own a computer. I've always felt that computer stuff is for nerds. Well, welcome to 2008, where you just kind of need to know stuff about computers. (Side note: I really like the word "stuff" it fits so many situations, and sounds funny too.) In realizing that computers are the "It" thing these days, I've decided to become a blogger. Also, blogging is quite hilarious to me. Anytime someone says something funny or makes a total tard of themselves, it's totally in order to say to them, "I'm totally going to blog that!" Now when I say it, my threats can actually some to fruition!

At any rate, my best friend set up my blogging account, consequently unleashing a force that you will come to know and love, welcome!